I’ve decided to detail the different steps of relationships on facebook. Each stage is articulated with detail from inception to the point of no return. I have seen multiple cases go through these steps, which is why this article is a true breakthrough in science.

Step 1- The relationship is official in real life.

This needs no explanation. The couple has committed their temporary love for one another.

Step 2- The relationship becomes facebook official (est. duration= 2 weeks after step 1)

Couples don’t commit steps 1 and 2 at the same time just in case the relationship flops. That would destroy their facebook reputations, especially for the one who gets dumped in two days (see facebook suicide). Step 2 occurs two to three weeks after step one, but it may go on longer if the couple is shy or they aren’t the PDA type. Good indications of genuine facebook official relationship statuses include receiving a good amount of likes (at least 3) and girls posting pointless comments that you could imagine them saying in their fake, high pitched happy voices, like “yaaaaaay!”.

Note: Couples who have been stuck on step 1 for over 3 months are either, 1) Very private people,  2) Don’t care about Facebook, or 3) Eyeing other mates and jumping on someone who’s better.

Step 3- Facebook Hibernation (est. duration= 1 to 2 months after step 2)

Facebook official couples will go through a facebook hibernation period. This is when their walls turn stale and they become less active on facebook. Facebook hibernation occurs because the couple is in the infatuation stage with their mate, so they aren’t hanging out with anyone else, which means friends have nothing to comment or post about. The severity of facebook hibernation is directly correlated with the amount of their social lives they choose to give up. Spending every weekend night with each other equals the highest degrees of facebook hibernation.

Step 4- Worriedness from former friends

Caring friends will realize their former friend has gone into facebook hibernation and post worried comments, such as “I miss kicking your ass at quarters…”, or “Tiffanyy!, we haven’t hung out in soooooooo long. Catchup lunch this weekend?!! :)”

Step 5- The couple exclusive picture album

Step 5 is the climax of relationships on facebook. Couples that make it to this point have lost touch with almost all their friends and call each other babe on the phone every time they talk. Few couples make it to this point, but when they do, it becomes obvious to the facebook community with the couple exclusive picture album.

Randomly out of nowhere, the couple will post a large picture album (must contain 10 or more pictures) of ONLY them. In most cases it will be from an extended activity, such as a daytrip to the beach, roadtrip through vineyards, or camping in the mountains. This album will contain pics such as 1) the male holding the camera for a self-taken couples pic 2) sentimental timed pics of their silhouettes in an outdoor sunset and 3) random pics of each other no one really finds that interesting.

There’s only one way to completely pass step 5.  The album must NOT receive ANY comments on any of the pictures by any of their former friends. This is key, and the only way to judge if the relationship has reached the point of no return.

The point of no return is when the couple has abandoned all forms of a social life. The chick will often wear the male’s sweatshirt around, they send at least 10 texts a day to each other, and they each have the same phone background of them spooning each other dessert at a dimly lit Italian restaurant.

Facebook and relationships is a relatively new science, but I’m absolutley positive all escalating relationships go through these facebook phases. If you disagree, let me know here.